January 24th, 2017

Kinsky, California, USA

I Never Said It Wouldn’t Hurt

The morning dew was cold – frosty. It was cold enough that even thirty minutes into the run Isaac didn’t feel like his body was getting any warmer. Personally, he liked it that way. In the summer he used to climb Mount Oswald by running up the level 3 trail, taking a short break, and running back down again. Physical challenges were something he always looked forward to.

So when he finally stopped, it wasn’t because he was tired. It was because he saw the bridge.

His eyes scanned it, left to right. He looked at the railing, the same as he had always seen it, the whole scene like nothing had ever changed. But it had. In a moment of brief, morbid curiosity, he was tempted to walk onto the bridge, look out over the rail, and imagine Cole’s final moments. He even wondered if he might be able to spot the location in which the body fell – perhaps a dark blood stain or an article of clothing that the police had forgotten to remove.

Just as quickly as he entered the trance, he snapped out of it. The boy instead cut across the narrow empty street, and he went along jogging back the way he came, completely ignoring the bridge. Today will just be a shorter run, he thought to himself.

…

After Isaac got back, he changed his clothes and met up with Aaron and Maurice in Kinsky’s downtown. They bought sandwiches then sat down at a ramada overlooking the downtown’s small main street. 

“So today’s the day, huh?” Aaron mentioned rather somberly as he unwrapped his sandwich. Maurice seemed to know what he was talking about.

“I feel bad keeping it from him for so long. I didn’t want to make Emily mad or mess up the plans, but… still. You can tell he’s hurting as it is.”

Isaac’s head lifted up. “What are you guys talking about?”

Aaron turned towards him. “They didn’t invite you, then?”

“Guess not. This about Lukas?”

Aaron nodded his head. He grabbed his soda and swirled it around, then sipped from the straw. “Mhm, about the Cole situation,” he said after he finished.

“The ‘Cole situation’? But he knows Cole died, right? Everybody does.”

“No, not Cole dying. The… other thing.”

Now Isaac felt curious. He leaned himself forward. “What… ‘other thing’?”

Aaron had a bit of a shock, realizing now that if Isaac wasn’t invited, he also was never told of the rumor. The basketball player did a quick survey around the ramada to make sure no one was listening, then got close to Isaac.

“That Cole was the pedophile who got Anita.”

Isaac couldn’t control himself. “What the fuck?”

“Rose and Maria were talking about it, I guess. They say Maria has proof. I only heard a little bit, but Rose told me Maria was gonna explain the entire thing when we all got together tonight.”

Isaac shook his head. “That’s stupid. A pedophile is, like… it’s a pedophile, you know. They’re fucking creeps, weirdos. Cole didn’t fit the bill at all. He was just a quiet guy. Nothing wrong with being a quiet guy. And he was our friend, too… fucked up to rally against him now that he’s gone.”

Aaron shrugged. “I get it, man. I’m skeptical about it too. Wanted to ask Rose for more info, but… I dunno. She’s on the total opposite side. Any time she even thinks I’m questioning it she freaks out.”

“I think you should just let her know how you feel,” Maurice spoke up. “It’s an emotional thing, so it’ll be an emotional conversation. Doesn’t change the fact it’s worth bringing it up directly rather than beating around the bush.”

Aaron turned towards Isaac. Isaac still looked visibly upset, but he shook it off and gave a thumbs up in endorsement. 

“Aight, then.” Aaron replied, still unsure. “I’ll bring it up to her before the thing tonight. I’ll text y’all how it goes.”

The guys moved on to other topics, appreciating the outside heater as they mostly people-watched the couples and families making their way along the main street path.

…

Sadja was lying in her bed, staring at her phone. She had been like this the entire morning, going on into the afternoon. She didn’t feel like getting up. She didn’t feel like doing anything. In reality, she wished she could just force herself back to sleep.

There was a knock at her door while she was ruminating over these thoughts. Her sister Magyar, who had braided her hair off to one shoulder, came in to check on her.

“Hey, how are you holding up?” she asked in Farsi. 

Sadja kept scrolling through the phone as if her sister wasn’t there. “I’m fine.”

Magyar pulled up a computer chair from the desk and rolled it over next to the bed, sitting down. “You’ve been hanging in here alone for the past few days now. It’s not like you.”

Sadja shrugged. “Maybe I just feel like it this week.”

“I’m gonna be going to the gym. You want to come with me? Some strength training will do you good. We can work your glutes, too.”

Magyar thought the offer would go over well, but instead Sadja suddenly pushed her phone off to the side and looked at her in anger.

“Seriously?” Sadja suddenly called out, switching to English. “You just always have to rub in how much more perfect and disciplined you are, huh?”

Magyar was taken aback. “Sadj, I didn’t mean-”

Sadja got up from the bed, grabbing her phone off the covers along the way. “Not all of us feel better just by running a mile or doing some leg presses. Especially those of us who are just gonna gain all that weight back in a week anyway. Some of us aren’t so lucky.”

“Sadja-”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m going out. Tell mom I won’t be back ‘til late tonight. I have something in the evening.”

Without Magyar getting the chance to say anything more, Sadja finally walked out of her bedroom, taking care not to look Magyar in the eyes. Once the door shut, Magyar sighed, a bit of worry trickling into her heart. She just wanted to make sure her little sister was okay.

…

About an hour before Aaron and Rose were slated to go back to the McNamara house with all their other friends, Aaron watched Rose get ready in the mirror of her bathroom. 

“Rose… I want to ask you something.”

The girl, who seemed to be a bit less on guard than she was before, acknowledged him. “What about?”

Aaron leaned his body at the door frame. “Do you know exactly what Maria said… why she thinks Cole did all those things to Anita?”

Realizing the topic of the conversation, Rose got a little more guarded. “She said that Cole admitted it to her the night before he died. She started to get suspicious of him because of a few lies he made, and he ended up spilling everything. She kicked him out the house, and now… now he’s dead.”

Aaron paused for a moment, looking down into the basin of the sink as if trying to wrap his mind around not just the explanation, but everything that had transpired in the past year.

“I’m just having trouble understanding it, is all,” he finally let out. “All this… it just doesn’t seem like Cole. It’s not the Cole I knew. Are you sure… maybe she just misinterpreted something he had said?”

Rose turned towards Aaron. “Listen. I believe Maria, and nothing is going to change that. She has gone through so much shit this past year, and now to accuse her of lying-”

“Whoa, whoa. There’s a big difference between lying and misinterpreting. I’m not blaming her for any of this. All I’m saying is that we don’t know what Cole said – we don’t know the exact words he used, the emotional state of-”

“Aaron, listen to yourself! Her best friend admitted to raping her little sister! How the fuck do you misinterpret that?”

“Can we just… can we cool it down a bit with the language?”

“No, I won’t, because that’s exactly what happened! God, it’s crazy how you can take anything at face value, but the second one of your male friends gets questioned all of a sudden you start playing detective!”

Rose pushed past Aaron by the doorway and stormed out of the bathroom. Aaron just stood in place. Part of him now believed Rose – but still none of it felt right to him. He kept playing back the memories he had with Cole, trying to find if there was anything out of the ordinary. But all he could remember was one of the best friends he ever had.

He stayed alone in the bathroom, his head leaning against the door, surrounded by the silence of his thoughts.

…

Kat’s red pickup truck pulled into the apartment complex that the McNamara’s lived at. Lukas looked over at the driver, a calm expression on his face. 

“You need me to carry anything?”

Kat was reaching into the back for two bags of food. “No, it’s alright. I got it.”

Lukas turned his head out towards the apartments. “Feels like we haven’t all been together for a long time now. I know it’s only been a few weeks, but still…”

Kat said nothing. There was a look of forlornness on her face, but Lukas had gotten used to it. She hugged the bags to her chest as she unlocked the doors and opened the driver side.

“You sure you don’t need any help?”

The girl looked over at him. She smiled. “I’m sure. But thank you.”

The two closed in for a brief kiss, then got out towards the complex. As they moved away from the parking lot, Lukas noticed something strange – they were the last ones there. All other cars, which Lukas knew very well, were accounted for. And Kat made sure they were always early.

“Guess we’re late this time, huh?” He said, pointing out the discrepancy.

“Can’t win’em all,” Kat looked down at the pavement of the sidewalk as they made their way to the familiar location. Lukas shrugged. There was nothing else he could say.

That is, until he walked in the unit.

Almost every friend Lukas had was sitting over in a circle in the living room, rearranged for the occasion. At the center of it, on the couch, was Maria – flanked on both sides by Rose and Emily. Across from her were two empty dining room seats for Lukas and Kat. The room was quiet, everyone’s eyes centering on Lukas as he walked in.

Lukas was quiet too, for a while. He was taking the whole scene in. It reminded him of when he was a kid, when he got in trouble with his parents. Now his friends were doing it too, and he had no idea why.

“What the hell is going on?” he eventually blurted out, defensively.

“You wanna sit down, man?” Rodrigo asked courteously. He motioned over to the open seats. Kat gently grabbed his hand.

Lukas’ heart started to murmur. He took a few steps and sat right in front of Maria. The girl’s head was faced down, away from him. Rose’s arm was around her shoulder. For some reason, Lukas felt irritated by the entire thing.

“You want to start?” Kat asked. She was looking over at Maria. 

Maria didn’t speak at first. She was clutching her knee, waving her thumb back and forth across the top. Lukas caught a sideways glance from Ash and Maurice, who both looked away the second they made eye contact. It was enough to set Lukas off again.

“Can someone seriously tell me what the fuck this is?”

“It doesn’t have to do with you, brother,” Aaron interjected. His tone was sincere. “You’re completely safe. We just need to… tell you something.”

“It’s about Cole.”

This was Maria, who finally spoke up. Lukas, and the rest of the audience, now turned towards her. She looked up into Lukas’ eyes and took a deep breath.

“Anita killed herself because someone abused her. And ever since August, Cole and I were trying to figure out who that abuser was. We exhausted every single lead – friends, family, babysitters, strangers, everyone – no one came up as a suspect. Then I decided to go back to the details myself.”

Maria was firm. She knew that her enemy wasn’t Lukas but she was no longer afraid to speak what she knew. Lukas simply watched and listened. 

“First, I found out Cole had lied. He told me he hadn’t seen Anita since my birthday. But my mom had paid him to watch over Anita while we were both out, on August 22nd. It was the same night Anita had told me that she was afraid of someone hurting her. The only time she ever confided in me – in anyone – that something was wrong.”

There was something intense in Maria now. It was not sadness, not melancholy. Now it was anger. Now it was rage.

“I called him over to my house on the 30th. I demanded he explain himself. It was then… that he admitted it. He admitted all of it. He admitted to having a sexual relationship with Anita, to leading me on a fake chase, to attempting to throw my own cousin under the bus for all of it. It was him, Lukas – he’s the one who’s responsible. He killed my baby sister.”

Now that Maria let it all out, she began to cool down. It was the first time she told the story exactly as she remembered it, and it was to all the people who needed to know. There was something cathartic in that.

She looked over at Lukas and saw that things weren’t the same.

He looked down, rubbing his hands together. Then he glanced around at all the others. They gave him that same blank stare.

“That’s not true,” he muttered. “This is bullshit.”

“It is true, Lukas,” Rose told him. “There’s receipts. We can show you-”

Lukas got up from the seat. Kat attempted to grab his hand but he moved too suddenly away.

“There aren’t any receipts! You just told me there’s no receipts! It’s your word versus his, and he’s not even around anymore to say anything!”

Maria looked up at him. “Lukas, I wouldn’t lie to you, I promise-”

“I don’t even know you! You were Cole’s friend from the start!” Lukas took a few steps towards her, and instinctively Aaron and Maurice both took steps to block his way. He kept his eyes trained on her. 

“He loved you! He trusted you! He told me all the time!”

Maria felt tears well in her eyes. She quickly looked away into Emily’s shoulder. Emily turned away from Lukas and focused on consoling the girl next to her.

Lukas’ glare turned towards the two people in front of him. He looked over at Aaron.

“Do you believe this?”

Aaron didn’t say anything, but kept a cool composure. Lukas turned over to Maurice.

“Do you believe this?”

Maurice faltered slightly. His eyes looked over down and away into a corner. He didn’t want this to turn into a confrontation.

Lukas then stopped. Slowly, he turned around, until his eyes met those of the girl sitting directly behind him.

“Do you… do you believe this?” 

Kat looked up at him when he asked the question. “Yes, I do.” she said with almost no hesitation. “It hurts, but I do. Because I know Maria, and I trust her. And I think you should trust her, too.”

Lukas took a few steps back, almost walking into Aaron. “He was our friend. He was all our friend. And now, now that he’s gone, you’re accusing him of this? You’re just going to kick him while he’s already down? You make me sick. You are all some sick, evil motherfuckers, and I am done with you!”

Aaron touched his shoulder. “Lukas, man, just calm dow-”

“Don’t you fucking touch me!” Lukas hissed, swatting away the arm and nearly pushing Aaron onto the ground. At this point, everyone got up – mostly to step away from Lukas – as he rushed off down past the living room and into the bathroom. 

He closed the door behind him – he must have thought he locked the door too, but it turned out the lock wasn’t quite in place and in his frenzy he didn’t bother to double check. He pushed himself into the counter and looked at his face in the mirror. No, he couldn’t quite face himself now, so he just pushed his head into it and looked down into the sink. Droplets of water began to fall, and it was only then that he realized he was crying. He steel-gripped the sides of the counter until his knuckles turned white and his palms began to hurt, all the while a slurry of  thoughts began racing in his head. 

There were only two possible realities in front of him. Either every single person he knew was a two-faced liar except his best friend, or that his best friend was in fact a pedophile. He remembered looking at Kat, and the way Kat looked back at him. He knew Kat loved Cole just as much as he did. He knew Kat wasn’t a liar.

And thus a terrible weight befell him. That this might all be true.

“Lukas? Are you okay in there?” Sadja’s voice echoed from the other side of the door.

Lukas lost control of his body. He slumped down to his knees and began to cry, his face falling to the floor as he hid it between two clenched fists. The others whispered on the other side, but Lukas couldn’t make out the words. Nor did he want to. He just wanted to be alone.

Finally, a voice made itself heard among the others.

“Lukas… I’m so sorry,” Maria spoke from the other side, her voice much more empathetic than earlier. “But you needed to hear it. You deserved to know just as much as anyone else, perhaps even more. And just know… I’m here for you. We’re all here for you.”

Lukas suddenly lashed out. He yelled, taking his fist and smashing it into the tile in front of him. He couldn’t see anymore from the tears, and his body was numb, and his ears deaf, but he needed a way to let it all out. So he kept punching, over and over, until suddenly he felt the sound of the tile cracking and a sharp pain shot its way up his arm. His angry yelling suddenly turned to cries of pain. 

The second it happened Kat forced open the door. “Luke, stop!” She sat down next to him and grabbed his bleeding arm, pulling him towards her. “It’s gonna be okay, Luke. Come here. It’s gonna be okay, baby. Just come here. It’s all gonna be okay. I love you, Luke. It’s all gonna be okay.”

Lukas kept crying uncontrollably, his face shrouded in his girlfriend’s shoulder. She held him close, her fingers gently moving through his hair, as she cradled him back and forth.

…

Atop the highest point in Kinsky, Gordon Wilkins and Cael Broderick had dinner. It was halfway through this occasion when Gordon suddenly stopped and turned his head over the balcony to the view of the valley below.

“Did you hear about what happened to the boy?”

Cael kept cutting into his steak. “You always bring up the most morbid topics at dinner. Crime rate in Sacramento, a rape at Oregon college, the Golden State Killer…”

“I’m serious. I talked to Katherine about it, since she was so close to him. She told me that there was more to it, that maybe he had-”

“I heard that part too. From Isaac.”

Gordon turned to look at Cael. “Do you think he did it?”

Cael took a bite of his meal. He met Gordon in his eyes. “Do you?”

“No.”

“That was rather fast.”

“I’d like to think I have a sort of eye for it. It’s not too hard to tell if someone is off so fundamentally-”

“Or you’re afraid about allowing someone like that to be so close to your daughter for so long.”

Gordon’s expression changed. He was taken aback, perhaps a bit angered, but kept his composure. He let Cael continue.

“In a way I worry about that with Isaac. Perhaps the other way around, in his case. I hope that, even with how much of a sober mess I am, I can teach him to be a respectable kid. That Lyla wouldn’t yell at me for screwing it all up.”

As Cael finished his food, he wiped the ends of his mouth with a napkin. “Speaking of which, I shouldn’t leave that kid by himself for too long. Who knows what he’s up to. I’m going to go take a leak, then say goodbye to Cass…if that’s okay with you.”

Gordon looked at him with the same cold eyes he gave to everyone. “That’s alright.”

Cael turned and began to walk towards the balcony’s exit. Before he opened the door, however, he made one last look toward Gordon. 

“You asked me if I thought he did it. Truth is… I don’t think it matters.”

With that, he left to the inside of the house. Gordon, now alone, went back to looking down the valley.