November 19th, 2016

Kinsky, California, USA

Swimming, I 

It was Saturday, and also the morning of the championship game. It was meant to be played on Kinksy’s field later that night. For now, Maria and Cole got up early to ride their bikes around the lake. 

At some point on the trail, Maria stopped ahead of Cole and got off her bike. Cole stopped alongside her.

“Something wrong?”

Maria kneeled down. “Yeah, my shoelaces are a little loose. Lemme tighten them real quick.”

While Maria tied her shoes, Cole got off his own bike and looked down at its frame. “I still can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve gotten on this thing. It’s gotta be years.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“Well, Lukas never learned to ride. That was probably the biggest reason.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, Kat and I had our big biking phase in middle school. We tried to get Lukas to go along with it, but he couldn’t even get on the bike for a while. By the end of day five he got on, rode about two feet, and crashed into a light pole. He stopped trying after that. The two of us didn’t want to bike without Lukas, so we stopped too.”

Maria giggled. “Yeah, it doesn’t seem like something Lukas would do. Still, I can tell you’re rusty. And you really should be wearing a helmet.”

Cole felt the top of his soft dark-brown hair. “Oh, come on! It’s a short nature trail, like, a mile away from my house. I’ll be fine.”

“That’s how they get you, you know.”

Cole sighed, and looked down at the girl. “I like yours, though. It looks good on you.”

Maria wore a pink helmet, with sparkling glitter encrusted in its shell. She shook her head vigorously, getting up from the ground.

“Okay, now you’re just making fun of me. I can tell.”

“What? No! I’m serious.”

Maria got back on the bike, and began riding forward once more. Cole followed her close behind.

“Hey, I wanted to ask you something. About Lorenzo.”

Cole was caught off guard by the comment. “Oh?”

Maria hesitated in speaking. She lightly smacked her lips together in order to stop their dryness.

“I want to confront him about it. For a while I was tempted to just leave it, but it’s been gnawing at me. I think it’s more so the fact that I don’t know for sure whether it’s him or not. I can’t go to him with what I know right now or else he’ll just throw me off like last time. I need something concrete.”

Cole thought about it, as their bikes headed towards a curve in the path. “So, we know that he was around Anita a lot during the timeframe, but we don’t know if she had anything to say about him?”

“Right.”

“Is there anything in her room that could help? Like the photo album, or a diary she might have kept?”

Maria considered it. “I don’t think the photo album would help. It was mostly my mom’s, and Anita didn’t bother with it too much. As for a diary… I don’t think so. If she kept one you’d have known about it, too.”

Cole thought deeper. As their bikes hurried down the trail, he considered everything that could possibly make evidence. All of Anita’s comments. All of her quirks. All of her items. All she had left.

Cole’s bike abruptly stopped.

Maria was nearly tripped off her own seat. “Cole, what’s wrong?” She stumbled out as she tried to regain composure of the bicycle.

“Oh my God. The art book.”

“…What?”

Cole turned back to Maria. “Anita kept a binder of her art. It was the same-looking binder as the photo album, right next to it. She might have drawn something out in that book.”

“I… I didn’t think she used that binder.”

“She did. She always told me about how she used that book to let out her feelings. If she had a problem with anyone, Lorenzo especially… it would be in there.”

Maria seemed confused. “I-I… I never knew she did that. She never told me.”

“She did. I promise. Listen, after the game tonight, we’ll go to your house and take a look at it. How about that?”

Maria hesitated, but ended up nodding her head. “Yeah… that sounds good. Let’s do it.”

…

Later that night, it was time for the championship. The friends sat in the same place they had during the Homecoming match — except now Lukas, Cole, and even Rodrigo joined them. Kat and Lukas, who at this point had gone on pretending that the cabin trip had never happened, sat next to each other, with Cole on the other side of Kat’s flank.

“You know, I was thinking of growing my hair out,” Sadja commented. She sat next to Lukas.

Kat leaned out in front of the boy to face her friend. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I think the bob fit me well, but I’m getting kind of tired of it. I’m planning on cutting it one more time soon, and then letting it grow over winter break. What do you guys think?”

She looked at Lukas expectantly. Lukas shrugged. “I mean, whatever you want to do.”

She leaned to look at Kat. Kat scratched her ear. “I mean, I’m gonna miss the bob. But I’m open to change.”

She leaned further to look at Cole. Cole, who still had the images from October laced in his brain, nodded quickly. “I think you should.”

Sadja looked at him with furrowed brows. “Why’d you say that so quickly?”

“You said you wanted to do it!”

“Yeah, but, I mean… I wanted you to reply with at least some hesitation.”

Cole looked down and shook his head. “You aren’t going to win this one, Cole,” he muttered to himself. “Just stay quiet.”

Around this time Rose and Aaron walked down the bleacher steps, wearing matching Kinsky High baseball caps and carrying a multitude of popcorn bags in their hands. They handed them out to all those who had asked — the only ones who didn’t were Kat and Rodrigo. 

“So, is Ravendale supposed to be good?” Rose asked as she sat down.

“Yeah. It’ll be a close one. Honestly, we kind of just lucked out in getting to this point.” Aaron took a handful of popcorn and put it in his mouth.

Emily, Maria, and Ash were also present, though they were sitting on a lower level of the bleachers. Emily leaned out of her seat and turned around towards the other group.

“You should be a football expert by now, Kat. What do you think?”

Kat, who was somewhat flustered for being called out, tried to make up an answer. “Well, uh… I know that, whichever team scores the most touchdowns… they will be the one that wins.”

Aaron smiled. “I’m impressed, Kat. This time last year you didn’t even know what a touchdown was. That’s progress.”

The group eventually got caught up in what was happening on the field, as the game began its introduction. Lukas’ mind, like before, was caught up in other places. But now things were different. Kat was close, yet just as far away. He realized the mistakes he made and was learning to deal with them. Yet there was still that feeling within him. That instinct, almost primal in nature, which guided his thoughts.

The instinct would make an appearance that very night, in perhaps its most detrimental way yet.

It became very clear very early that Kinsky was in a bad position. A touchdown drive by Ravendale was followed up by a Kinsky fumble, which led to yet another touchdown. It was 0-14 before the first half even ended. And yet, Lukas felt… calm. No, that’s not true. If you asked Lukas what he felt, he would say calm. But it wasn’t that. Lukas was excited. He was happy.

The blood running through his veins was the age-old testament of vengeance. Here was Isaac, a man he now detested. A man who shared so many special memories with the person that he wanted to be with — not only her, but with all the others too. With Rose, and Aaron, and Sadja, and even Cole, who became friends with Isaac just that year. The boy had a winning streak that needed to be stopped. The breakup wasn’t enough – he needed to be humiliated.

The spirits of the world would find their answer for Lukas.

It was the start of the second half. The Kinsky Eagles were having a promising drive up the field, and a good pass might finally get them on the board. The ball was hiked to Isaac, and his eyes instantly went to the outfield. Little did he know that the offensive line of his blind side fell apart, and before he could react a Ravendale player wrapped his arms around the quarterback’s waist and tackled him to the ground.

For a moment, it was a normal sack. The referee blew the whistle and the play was over. But as Isaac was getting up, a pain struck him in leg. It was a pain so intense, so powerful, that the boy had never experienced anything like it before. He immediately dropped back to the ground, and yelled out.

The other players on the field began to circle him. Maurice was the one to bend a knee by his side.

“Hey man,” he spoke with an air of concern. “You alright?”

Isaac, as it turned out, was not alright. Still struggling under the pain he was unable to make a coherent answer, instead clutching his calf tightly and muttering to himself, “Fuck, fuck!”

It didn’t take long until the people in the audience started to catch on. Kat and Cole were the first to stand from their seats, straining to see what was happening on the field. The others quickly followed — but Lukas did not.

“Is he… is he okay?” Rose asked aloud, trying to peer her gaze beyond those who were gathering on the field and get a spot of Isaac.

Aaron put his belongings on his seat, and began walking away. “I’m going to go check it out.”

As the boy walked past him, Cole spoke up. “You sure that’s a good idea? They have medical people down there, you know.” Aaron didn’t appear to hear him, as he continued walking and went down the stairs.

Something about Aaron’s sudden and overwhelming concern for Isaac — matched with the sudden pity of the rest of his friends — struck a nerve in Lukas. In his own eyes he could never see any of them caring for him as much as they did this one stupid jock. He felt injustice. He felt betrayal. But most of all, he felt rage. And it was his rage over this fact — of the guy who caused him so much pain to suddenly be so cherished — that caused him to mutter something that he would later come to regret.

“Asshole deserves it.”

He didn’t say it loud. In fact, it was barely a whisper – a whisper which, combined with the noise of the field, didn’t seem like it could be perceived by anybody. He quickly moved his hand to his lips, realizing that he had once again said something in passion that he really shouldn’t have. But things wouldn’t be so lucky for him. In that instant, he felt a sharp slap to his elbow.

“What did you just say?”

Lukas turned to his right. It was Kat. A look of disgust lined her face. She looked at Lukas with sharp eyes, perhaps the first time she had ever done so in her life. The boy could barely look back. And he certainly didn’t respond.

Kat raised her voice. “What did you just say?”

This last line caught the attention of Sadja, who turned to face them. She was confused. “Huh? What’s wrong?”

Kat didn’t answer. She sighed, and walked away from the group — the opposite way as Aaron, up the stairs. Sadja gave Lukas a suspicious glare, but otherwise looked away from him. Cole, if he had heard what was going on, certainly didn’t show it — he remained standing, leaning on the railing, looking towards the field. The others were too out of earshot to have heard anything at all.

But none of that mattered. Lukas’ heart was crushed. He knew what had to happen next.

Part of him, the cowardly half, considered just getting up from his seat, going to the parking lot, and driving as far away from it all as he could. But he shut that out. He owed something to Kat — as a punching bag, at the very least — and felt he had the years of friendship in his favor. He had to accept his doom. So he did.

Walking up the stairs, he saw Kat at the top railing — looking away from the field, at a little inlet that was far from the rest of the crowd. Off to his left he heard the referee’s whistle call out, and assumed the game must have started back up again. Cautiously, he walked towards the girl.

“Kat… Kat look, I-”

“What’s gotten into you, Luke?” Kat shot her head over in his direction. “First you start ghosting me almost the second I get a boyfriend, then you advance on me a month after I break up with him, now you’re acting like this when he gets seriously hurt? Could you just… tell me, straight, what is going on?”

Lukas felt his pulse get arrhythmic. “I… I really didn’t mean it to be like this, you know. I didn’t mean to say that, or say a-anything…”

Kat must have noticed how nervous the boy was getting, because she quickly backed off. “I’m sorry, I got frustrated. I didn’t mean to call you out like that. I just think it’s really not cool what you said.”

The right thing for Lukas to have done at that moment was apologize. It would have ended things, quick and simple. The two would’ve gone back to their seats and likely have forgotten everything that had happened.

But he didn’t. He didn’t speak at all. And so Kat continued.

“Listen, Lukas… I’ve thought about it. I’ve thought about it, and I just want to be friends. And I know it’s been weird. Because we’ve known each other, and gotten so close… I feel like it’s my fault. I’ve never really considered the sort of impression I’ve left on you, or on other people… like Sadja or Cole. It made me realize that I was leading you on in a lot of ways, and that wasn’t right. But now I know what I want. I want us to be friends, not because I hate you, but because I know I can have you be a major part of my life a lot longer if we leave it like that. Is that okay with you?”

Whatever was stirring in Lukas’ mind when he first stopped himself from apologizing, grew in ferocity as Kat spoke. Where he had once found pity for the girl and disappointment in himself, he instead found anger. All that rage, all that injustice, all that betrayal, was now focused squarely on the person in front of him. He felt as though all the emotion he felt — all the pain he had to deal with — was ultimately reduced to nothing but a footnote. And, once again, his emotions took control.

“Why should I care about what you want? You spend the past ten years tricking me into thinking you like me, and now you just want me to sit down and apologize for your own sake? What about what I want?”

Kat’s face changed. “What do you mean by that?”

Lukas snapped back to reality once more. His angry confidence had left him just as quickly as it possessed him. He didn’t know what to do. 

“I… I don’t know,” he responded pitifully.

Kat took a few steps in the boy’s direction. Her face was emotionless, yet held a whole flood behind it, waiting for the dam to break. 

“Lukas, I want you to answer the question I’m about to ask very, very carefully. Are you friends with me because you want to be…”

The dam began to open. Kat’s face quivered. Tears welled up in her eyes. Her two fists squeezed hard until they began to hurt.

“…or are you just friends because you want to fuck me, just like every other guy I’ve ever had in my life?”

The boy’s heart dropped. His response stuttered out.

“N-n-no, Kat… it’s not like that, I-I-”

It was too late. Kat nearly shoulder-checked the boy on her way past him, storming off in the other direction. She tried to keep the rest of her tears from falling down as she made her way down the steps, avoided an acquaintance she knew from choir, and walked all the way down the parking lot to her little red truck. And only then, when she locked the door and rested her head on the steering wheel, did she allow herself to cry.

…

Mrs. Wilkins was in the reading room when Kat opened the door and walked in. The mother looked up from the pages of her book.

“How was the game?”

“It was fine.”

Kat sniffled here and there, but for the most part her tears were now gone. She continued in a straight line towards the stairs — preventing her mother from making any further conversation — and from there walked directly to her room.

In a haze she closed the door behind her and sloppily took off her jacket and hoodie, throwing them onto the ground. She got up to the bed and then fell face-down onto its surface. She moved her head to the side, listening. The house was quiet, save for a rainstorm outside which had started only a few minutes prior. Kat was left with her own thoughts.

At the football field she had been wrapped up in what she thought was Lukas’ betrayal. That the person she thought was her best friend was really just trying to get her for sex. It was a reality she had struggled with more or less in the past – not with the two boys she knew for so long, but with many of the others she had attempted to befriend along the way. In some manner it was the source of all her fears about friendship and romance. But on her drive home, her mind began to clear. She realized something.

Lukas was right.

Kat had been playing on the fence this whole time. She understood that now. She was so desperately scared of either reality that she flip-flopped on Lukas, on Sadja and Cole, on everyone – including herself. The thought brought the tears back to her eyes. She needed to make a final, grand decision. She was sick of it. She was sick of herself. 

The back and forth went on in her head for some time. Lukas as a friend. Lukas as a boyfriend. The happiness she felt with him, versus the happiness she felt with Isaac. Seeing him at a concert. Seeing him laugh. Feeling his hand. Seeing him naked. Kinship, friendship, romance, sex. Four distinct ideas, yet flow into one another in certain ways for certain persons. Confuse one with another and you have a tragedy. What did Kat think? Did she even know the difference?

Then, she had an idea.

She sat up from the bed. There was one thing that could help her reach her decision. A distant memory which she had saved. A long ago keystone in her life which might have held the answer. 

She walked over and took the MacBook off her desk. Sitting on the bed she pulled the device in front of her, opening it up. She prayed quietly to herself as she went down a maze of folders, and her prayer was accepted — in a place she had mostly forgotten about, she found a file entitled catalina.mov. She clicked open the file, and pressed play.

The shot opened on a 12-year-old Kat, sitting in the booth of a large ship. A similarly aged Lukas was next to her. All around them were various other kids, also their age, who had backpacks and suitcases nearby and talked amongst their own friends. The holder of the shaky camera, presumably Cole, began to speak…